Sahityasetu

Everyday several people pass by watching me. Each one has a different face, different clothes, different way of walking but I don’t find them different. They all look same for me. It’s possible you may not agree with me but it’s not necessary. Do I agree with all your customs? Not at all. You’ll say that in this garden you like to sit in the golden time of evening. But you see, I am sitting here in the hot noon. You must be thinking that if anyone wishes to sit in the noon at lest he should find out a shady tree. But I am sitting right under the hot sun. Not that I am sitting but every day, on this very time. On this very bench I sit here. It’s habit now.... That’s why I sit here....This may also be your guess but I can’t guess the same. Because it gives me happiness when I sit here you may think it but I don’t.

No doubt I sit here. Every day I sit here. I know many people pass by watching me. Many of them on just their entrance begin to search at me sensuously. It’s also possible that many of them just come out their home and begin to think of me....and this is also truth that some of them are also awaited by me. But don’t take it that way. I don’t feel for them. It’s pure curiosity, nothing else. It’s also possible that one shouldn’t believe that some of them have begun to adore me. No guaranty. I can’t come to any conclusion. It’s beyond my capacity to reach to any.

I remember that day...very well... some unknown one...say a stranger was sitting on this bench. Looked dead tired. But according to my habit I came and sat down. My sitting made him uncomfortable. He felt puzzled. He tried to withdraw his self. When I looked at him, he tried to go away. But I smiled and said, ‘Be seated... sit down... no problem. Actually this is my bench. His eyes had a question. I got it and clarified, ‘When I say it’s mine, it’s not what you understand. Actually right on this time everyday on this very bench I sit here. And that’s why.... and now I have a kind of bonding with this bench. Otherwise this is a public garden.’

Even though so much clarification I made, his discomfort that was into his eyes didn’t go. And I remember different passers- by who everyday stared at me. they go away. Right now I became silent. He was also quiet. And yet we had a dialogue! I was thinking about his shyness and manliness. And he...? I liked his being reserve. Mayur’s nature too almost matched him...Whenever he met how many things his eyes expressed? Oh! But he never ever spoke a single word about it. Never... It wasn’t that I didn’t know his feelings but in asking such question I enjoyed troubling him. and there was Rajiv....Yes Rajiv... a complete contrast to Mayur.. Whenever he met he said many a poems and couplets on my laughter, my blue eyes. During the college life our pair always remained at the center of discussions. But when I decided to marry Mayur everyone was not only surprised but also shocked. A breeze passed by us and I saw that he was trembled. I couldn’t but laugh. He tried to look at me but then what happened to him that he got up and began to go away. My eyes matched his steps. He sat down on a bench near the fountain. I can’t so suddenly change a bench. Once Minal asked, ‘Mummy, where’s my Daddy? Why doesn’t he come to stay, and play with us?’ the question penetrated me like a sharp knife. It gave me deep pain. In the critical situations I can manage myself that’s why at that time I handled her with care but how can I tell a lie to this bench? Telling my doleful story to the bench I was really very much relieved. A person who leaves this bench, hardly come to know what importance it has got for me?

Whenever I am at home I always fell the bench’s calling me loudly... It’s calling me.... I feel it always. As I take seat, it becomes happy. On a noon Minal returned from the school suddenly. I was before the dressing mirror and getting ready. On seeing me such a way she asked me, ‘Mummy, are you going out?’ The response was natural, ‘Yes, my daughter... to the Garden bench...’ Buton the very next moment I managed and said, ‘No...no mu daughter. Mummy’s up for the shopping.’ I didn’t wish that Minal is acquainted to the bench. Acquaintance grows but nearness goes. This moral I learnt from five year’s life with Mayur. Hadn’t it been so, he might not have left me on this bench. Poor Minal...She might not be longing to get a glimpse of her father. It’s good that she’s still a child. Otherwise could have I given a sufficient explanation? Could I?

When, at that time, I sat down on this bench, the volcano within me had been pacified. I didn’t notice at that time whether bench was wooden or metal. Or say that at a time it wasn’t necessary to think about. On this bench once I was sitting and there came up Rajiv. He had already read my tragic face. He took away from the bench to his home. The wall paintings reflected his aesthetic sense. Seeing them I asked, ‘Rajiv, still you write poems?’ He lovingly hugged me and said, ‘Yeah, I write. But now want to lead poetic life. Full of feelings and love.’

I doubtfully asked, ‘Means?’
‘If you accompany me....’ he responded immediately.
So much daring in a formal meeting? Even after so much a long period? Soon I was reminded the bench. I controlled my self and said, ‘How did you come to know that I’m alone?’
‘Your face tells it.’
Surprisingly it was asked, ‘Can you read everybody’s face?’

He responded with a smile his smile made my question irrelevant. Did I know it that certain question only be asked to men? Not really. And I couldn’t ask such a question to Mayur when he blamed me. He had said, ‘This is not my daughter... She’s ....of that taxi driver...who spoilt you on that rainy night.’

With the memory of that bitter night my mind became restless. But the moments changed into a pleasant welcome....It reminded me those days of mine...
Mayur had asked me, ‘Darling, how do you put to that driver?’

‘Mighty.....terrible......like a tiger.’ His face lost brightness after my response. Perhaps he had begun to compare himself with that driver. But then suddenly put a question, ‘But how did you feel when he raped you?’ it seemed that he had a great curiosity to know about it. I with all my senses at ease told him, ‘Nothing special...But I had felt that I was destroyed. Was broken completely. It was a severe shock. I laid into pieces....’ Of course this was an explicit view. But my heart felt a different thing. It said, ‘Ah! What a pleasure there was in the breaking down. How should I put it to you Mayur that there was a great satisfaction to lay into pieces! It’s a desire of each woman to muster up then all those pieces and turn into a new being. Mayur this one is expected by all the women. Your memories had crowded me then Mayur....But in the last five years you couldn’t turn me into pieces...Never....Mayur not even once...Oh!’

But after my talking to him all about it there came a drastic change in Mayur. Now whenever he came to me he looked more excited. Not only that mush but attacked me with his full might. My mind began to appreciate such a gesture turning himself into a tiger from a pet dog. I too responded him with the similar passions. In the sublime moments of our climax he often cried, ‘Oh! I’ll rape you...My Queen... Won’t spare you... Will pound you into pieces... Crush you completely....’

Such words lit up my whole existence. I too began enjoying peerless experience. My mind now began to believe that whatever had happened, happened for a good. It was good that driver raped me... The barrier that lay in to our married life was removed...The life had now a new refreshed flow... a new rhythm... A new fire had been added....A new warmth. Really those were the golden days of my life. The moments of that period are like newly full blossomed lotus that sways in my mind with a fragrance. But when he directly said that she was not his child but of that taxi driver... my happy lamps were put off so suddenly. Darkness descended before me. I pleaded him and said, ‘No, Mayur...it’s not the truth...How such an ugly idea came in to your mind?’ I wept and wept. My tears didn’t make any influence upon him. I bent to him. Touched his feet. Told him that it was not the truth. She is your child Mayur. I swear it by God. Please try to understand me.’ Even after this when his anger didn’t melt I lost my temper and asked, ‘How did you say it, mayor?
Very coldly he answered, ‘her face tells it.’
I in the very excited tone I asked, ‘Didn’t my face tell you anything?’

He shook his head and laughed...and laughed all the time. Since then his eyes showed no trust in me. I was the betrayed one for him. Saw at me with a different attitude. Initially he felt heavy about Minal’s presence. And gradually because of her he began to be dry towards me. And finally he left both of us on this bench of this garden. At that time I had not made any sort of protest. But on the contrary it’s also true that the bench since then has never ordered me to leave my seat. And today Rajiv took me away from the bench and fetched me to his bungalow. He now wished to make the bungalow a home. Now with me he wants to a life of feelings like that of poetry. A dreamy world. Of course I have clearly told him, ’No, Rajiv no. I’m a married woman.’ I spoke such a thing but then my mind had no peace. Saying is quite easy. But when spoken words rebound and strike with our own selves, it’s almost impossible to bear them. I felt giddiness and was to fall but then Rajiv held me. His warm breaths began to melt my snow. I was picking the excitement. The snow was turning in to water. My heart began to cry let this man be there in you. Let him stay under the transparent water cover. But right now something like a cracking sound was heard. I was confused and began to see around me. I couldn’t find anything. Rajiv’s eyes were still closed. He was kissing me all around. The snow was disappearing. It was melting. Snow was going,,,..

I pushed him away forcefully and said, ‘Oh Rajiv, what are you doing? Just think about it...’
As if Rajiv fell from the heaven. He tried to compose himself. Then in the controlled tone he said, ‘Should I drop you at your home?’
To make the things light I told him with a smile, ‘No...no. just you take me to that public garden bench.’
The bench was cold.... terrible cold.... and over it began to amass the layers of snow...